Microfiction: Mommy
Drabble version (100-word):
Mommy
The plumber comes into a house and heads right to the bathroom.
He says "your kids sound like they're having fun." The woman smiles and nods. He heads into the kitchen asking for water. The woman hands him a notepad instead.
The plumber says "I'm sorry but I'd like a glass of water, not a notepad." The woman points to her ears and mouths "deaf." The plumber writes "water please" and the woman does so.
"Mommy, Mommy" the plumber hears.
The plumber writes "your kids are calling for you." The woman stares at him and writes "what kids?"
Dribble version (50-word):
Mommy
A woman has a plumber over. The plumber enters and hears the kids calling after her. He tells her but the woman points to her ears and mouths "deaf." The plumber writes "your kids are calling for you." The woman stares at him and writes "what kids?"
Author's note: Initially, I wanted to do something funny and light but boy did I did the opposite. So essentially, the woman in the house lives alone and has no kids. I wanted to write a story that leaves the ending up to the reader. So who were the kids the plumber thought he heard? I'll leave that to the reader's imagination.
Hey Amy, I got a little confused the first time I read this microfiction, because I don't see these very often on the course stream. This is like the first time I read a microfiction and I must say it carries with it a sense of humor. I broke out in laughter a little bit earlier because I didn't know what the story was talking about and eventually got it.
ReplyDeleteI like how you turned this dribble into a story that as a middle schooler kids would tell on the playground to scare the other kids for the rest of the day, and this is meant in a positive way! I remember hearing several of this type, notably the story of the girl with the black ribbon around her neck and the story of the man pretending to be a dog under the bed. I like how you wrote this as a suspenseful dialogue but did it in 100 words!
ReplyDeleteHi Amy! You definitely got me on this one! I have never been good with suspense and I can say I was surprised by the ending of the story. These kinds of drabbles always keep me on my toes and engaged and yours did not disappoint! I like how the story kept everything perfectly normal until the few words at the end. That is what shocks the readers and keeps their attention!
ReplyDelete